This Is Our Problem

This Is Our Problem
I have come to realize that many of the increasing problems in our community stem from lack of direction and guidance. Growing up, our parents and grandparents looked to their elders for knowledge, wisdom and age old advice about coming of age. Fast forward 50 years and look at what we have; grandpa trying to catch him a hunny while rolling around in his Cadillac on 22s, and grandma running around with a faster behind than a girl who just hit puberty! What has happened to the elders of our past, why are they looking down to us and doing what we do? Is it to stay young and fit in? It saddens me to know end to see someone my grandaddy's age calling me little mama, or trying to come on to me with a vulgar pick up line; have you no shame? I'm supposed to be looking for a man who possesses old school character and dignity, and instead I see you walking around with a pimp lean and wearing Roca Wear; wtf?!? And grandma, I thought you were supposed to be the one teaching me secrets of the kitchen and what I meant to be a morally upstanding lady; instead you're twerking in the club harder than and trying to take my man home, umm excuse me?!? I'm placing blame where it is due; on our youth, but more on our elders; they are simply following in the example that has been set for them and honestly we as a whole need to do better. Can we go back to the days of self-respect, character, and dignity? I guarantee you, we as a people will survive a lot longer that way than being caught up in this living fast to die you mentality, I'm just saying…

Can We Solve Our Own Problems?

Can We Solve Our Own Problems
Men marry women hoping they never change; women marry men hoping that they will. Discussing this topic the other day with a friend, I realized that many couples have relationship troubles b/c they start off wanting different things. Men are visual and date/marry what they see in the here and now; for them marriage is the end, the goal, the final prize. But for women, we are motivated by the potential, the future ambition; for us a relationship or marriage is only the beginning, the tip of the iceberg, the beginning of the journey. I've come to realize that for men that cheat, it isn't because they want someone younger or prettier, they want the idea of who they were attracted to in the first place. Women we fail our men and ourselves when we become comfortable and routine; you didn't attract your man in sweat pants and a hair scarf, so why do you expect him to stay when that's what you now bring to the table? Yes, we may work full time and be just as busy or even busier with a family, but that is our role to play. We can't hate the other woman for giving our man what we were too tired or comfortable not to give him! And we can blame him for straying if we pushed him in that direction with our house shoe clad foot and gave him our flannel clad ass to kiss. Likewise, men, we were attracted to the dreams and desires you had, the potential you possessed; that's why we fell in love, and your charm and chivalry sealed the deal. We want that back. In today's society, complacency equals failure and we are doing our best to achieve on every end.  When you stopped opening doors and admiring our beauty, we stopped opening our love; can you blame us because you let another man touch our heart with his words and ideas and captivate us with his charm because you felt we were a prize to put on the shelf? Can you really be angry that we strayed when you replaced us with the fellas, the game, or ideas or recapturing your youth? By no means do I condone cheating, but we must personally examine ourselves and our relationships on a daily basis to keep them alive and exciting; what you did to attract them, the same you have to do to keep them. Ladies, cook for your man in nothing but some heels, guys take her on a picnic and show your sensitive side. At the end of the day, love doesn't mean a thing if there's nothing for it to grow old and flourish on.

*This article was featured in the July/August edition of Mahogany Lounge*

Letter to my Father

 Sometimes I wonder if I'm angry b/c you weren't the father I wanted, or if it's b/c you weren't the father I needed. Every woman wants to be "Daddy's little girl" but that's a concept I know nothing about. I remember crying the day you came home from jail; not happy tears, but angry bitter tears b/c you brought with you a love that was too strong for me to understand or accept. I try to rationalize that the way you treat me was the way you were raised, but how come you couldn't see that the hurt done to you, you were doing to me? I'm older now and I feel as if I never knew you, and the more you change, the less I know and understand. My heart and mind wants to blame you for failing me as a dad, but that takes too much energy; just easier to walk away and be done with everything. I want to love you, but it hurts me to keep you in my life. I blame you for my fear of love, marriage and kids; I lost my faith b/c I couldn't separate the man from the "man of God." I'm trying not to, but it's so damn easy to place my issues at your feet. Maybe one day I'll be free of the burdens I carry, and I'll be able to deal with you; but today, I just can't...

Good Ol' Church Folk

I have always heard that "church folk are some of the worst folk." Question is, do the church folk know or even care how they are being perceived? Seems to me that "Christians" are spending too much of their saying they're saintly and acting the complete opposite and then sit back and wonder why so-called "sinners" refuse to step foot inside a church. What distinguishes the church from the world when the pastor is an alcoholic, the deacon beats his wife, the choir director is a queen and the church mother is getting her swerve on with the next door neighbor? And how is the light of Christ suppose to shine when adultery, fornication, profanity, jealousy and inconsistency on a grand scale lives, thrives and reproduces in the church? Don't get me wrong, I understand that we are all human and even though we walk by faith and proclaim the good news of Jesus, we err and fall into the weakness of our flesh. However, we aren't supposed to dwell in it, and act like we aren't doing it, yet talk about and judge someone who is openly admitting their faults and/or flaws. Personally, I think the church and Christians are trying to portray that being "saved" means you are perfect and have no sin. Let me tell you I am a saint in progress, a sinner in recovery and that is not where I am or want to be; being perfect is unattainable and isn't what having a relationship with God is all about. God is here to teach us love, faith and to help our fellow man and do our best to live a life that is acceptable unto Him, and not just on Sunday or on Easter! In my opinion, being saved is about admitting that you are flawed, and also understanding that through a personal relationship with Christ, those flaws are minimized. Somewhere along the line, Christians forgot that being saved involved actually having a relationship with God and allowing Him to control and operate our lives, not walking around seeing how well we can hide our sins. I am striving to live a life more spiritually in tune with God, but I am human; I use profanity from time to time, I love to hunch and keep a "friend" for when my bed gets lonely (He is working in me on that daily) and I like to go out and toss back a few with the girls and get lifted from time to time. But I am not content to live my life that way and accept those weaknesses in my life; I daily ask God to keep me in His will that as I grow in Him less of my flesh man will interfere with my spiritual man and my life can emulate His in the best way I can. Being identified   as the hypocrites should be a slur to the ears of Christians, but I guess the Church is too busy judging each other and everybody else to actually focus on living a pleasing and acceptable life unto God. Maybe playing a role is okay for some, but I'm trying (believe me it is very hard and my flesh is weak) to make positive changes and improvements in my life that will allow me to show the hand of God on my life and also compel a sinner to live their life in a more pleasing manner unto God.  Because something tells me God is not sitting up on His throne with a glass of Crown and Coke talking about scooping up lil shawty and rolling back to His mansion to get laid, and I seriously doubt Gabriel is up there beating on Mary and using the Bible to justify his actions.

You're Single because You're Bitter

Being a bitter Black woman really isn't attractive; kinda sad that a lot of women don't even realize they're bitter or angry and that's whats causing men to be turned off, not their weight, or flaws. Oh and that constant extolling your own virtues, please sit down; let a man see your attributes for himself, stop shoving them down his throat. Let me elaborate; you are single because you are bitter and it's coming off you like a cheap perfume! You walk around wearing your hurt at the last man on your shoulders like that new handbag you just bought, and hunny it is super tacky! You were hurt; so what, it wasn't the first time and I doubt it will be the last so please stop it! Not only are you keeping yourself shielded and telling all the good men out there that want to get to know you that your issues have you all messed up, but you are keeping yourself from healing and moving on. And telling a man how you can cook, clean and take care of him does nothing but make you look desperate and needy. How do you honestly know how to take care of a man when you are constantly yelling about how you have been hurt and letting yourself go and then throwing yourself at every dick you see?  I mean really, have some self-respect and stop it with the "bitter bitch-itis." I have been hurt many times and badly, and let me tell you I didn't realize I was starting to become bitter until it got pointed out to me and that is sooo not the move! Being bitter only brings you down, makes you come across as unapproachable and keeps you from finding your happy. If you thought being bitter was bothering your ex, please look in the mirror and slap yourself because he has moved on at least two times since you decided to play Beyonce's "Me Myself and I" and declare that you were through being hurt and you were going to make any man who came after suffer and pay the cost. The only one paying is you, and for the poor man that decides he's going to pursue you anyway, you just messed his head up and now he's running around here thinking that being the nice guy is overrated and you are one crazy hoe! And it kills me to see women getting angry because they're single and want to call men dogs and talk about how there are no good men around when they are the ones driving the good men away because their view is blocked by their bitterness. I have been guilty myself of wanting to follow that path, but at the end of the day all I was doing was hurting myself, like you bitter woman are hurting yourself. And it seems more prevalent in the Black woman that bitterness becomes our best friend; is it really his fault that he hurt us when we shouldn't have been messing with him in the first place? All the warnings were there, labels on his forehead and the manuscript for his life said "garbage" and we still wanted a piece of him. And we are mad at him because everything he said he was, he actually was! Bitter Black Woman Syndrome is so overrated and all it does it make things worse for you and the next Black woman, no surprise really when Black men start pursuing dating options outside the race; I would to if all I had to choose from was angry, mad, hurt and make 'em pay!! You're tired of being single and getting hurt by the wrong man, stop giving your time and  heart to everyone piece of testosterone you see, and look at yourself and see what you are doing to contribute to the failed relationships you keep having, and please throw away the bitter perfume you keep spraying on yourself; it's last season and probably expired anyway!

What's Wrong With the Black Man?

I almost feel that the Black man has been destined to suffer. From his introduction into the society that we call America or home, he has been raised to live in pain, fear and defeat. So, I wonder, is it honestly any surprise to anyone especially us as Black women that we find good Black men few and far between? Oh good Black men are out there, I have the privilege of being friends with quite a few, but what about those bad ones; the ones who would rather hustle in the streets than hustle on the job? Or the ones who would rather lay up in some woman's bed and then disappear when her stomach blooms with the fruit of their fucking? What about that bad Black man who refuses to acknowledge that he doesn't know how to be a good husband or father and beats his wife and child because that is all he knows? What about those Black men that just don't give a damn just for the hell of it, the ones that seem to be multiplying like roaches because they can? Those are the Black men I wonder about? You might be reading this and you're probably thinking this is the rant of a hurt and bitter woman, but no, that is so grossly inaccurate it's laughable. What I want to know is how do we as a society and Black women in particular begin to heal the damage and hurt that these men are suffering from and work to actually instill in them a desire to become that "good Black man?" During times of slavery, Willie Lynch ideals stripped them of their manhood's and roles of being a protector; to do so would mean the loss of limb, suffering numerous beatings or being killed. Watching Massa take his woman and rape her, sell her and mistreat her or even kill her slowly began to strip the Black man of his dignity and his identity, especially when his own family viewed him as helpless. And what about now, women receive more government assistance in the form of food stamps, welfare etc, if they don't have a man in the home; isn't that raising our Black society to disregard the Black man and his role in the home and in life? It's no surprise to me that few Black men know and  understand how to truly treat a woman when Uncle Sam told his daddy to beat it, and mama co-sign for extra government income. The Black man is no longer being groomed to take over the family business, go to school and obtain an education and provide for a family; instead he is being taught to hustle in the streets for a set of rims, fresh shoes, to wear his work on his back rather than prepare for a future and leave a legacy that can be admired and emulated. So what do we do, where do we go from here? Do we just accept what is and keep it moving, or do we as a Black community actively try to  make a difference? How do we get the Black men to acknowledge they need help and work to change their outlook on life? No, I'm not saying these men are helpless and need to be held by the hand because every day they make the decision to exist in a life rather than live one of meaning. The healing process can only begin by facing the hurt and damage that has been prevalent for so long, but do they even realize it exists, do they even want to? So what do we do, how do we help heal the Black man?

After It's Gone, Then What?

Y'all are going to get tired of me talking about Black people; shoot, I know someone of you probably think I hate being Black, but you are far from the truth. I love being Black and that's all I  know, and when I see a problem, I'm going to speak on it, so here goes...
It seems that we as Black people in particular measure success in the physical things we obtain; from that new Mercedes, to that new Louis Vuitton handbag or even the new pair of shoes that we spent two paychecks on. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having nice things, and when I finish paying off some major bills in my life and getting myself on a path that I can enjoy, I plan to indulge in some of the finer things in life as well. But all of that is just things, stuff; what happens when at the end of the day it isn't new anymore, someone hit your new car, that Coach scarf is last season, those Gucci shades are scratched up and you broke the heel on that nice pair of shoes, then what? Will you still be able to brag about what you've done or what you have achieved if it is no longer new an the attention you got from it fades? There is nothing wrong with extolling your own virtues and greatness, but honestly greatness speaks for itself. Martin Luther King Jr.  didn't have to talk about how wonderful he was, his actions represented that. Harriet Tubman didn't brag about the success of the Underground Railroad, she let the freed slaves tell it like it was! It seems to me that people that constantly brag about what they have going for them really don't have anything of worth really going at all; when you have to brag and shove at people what you do, that's an insecurity issues that needs to be resolved and done so with the quickness. Buying things to prove to others that you are successful will only leave you broke and still seeking acceptance. And all those friends that come around for the free stuff and what you can do for them will leave you as quickly as that last dollar you spent. Honestly, until you start using your "stuff" to reach out and touch someone else's life and truly make a difference, you are just as broke as the people you look down on. Yeah you may have bought that $100 pair of shoes or might have been the first one on your block to purchase that new whip, but true success comes from how you touch the lives and impact others. Attempting to bring me down by blinding me with your bling or boring me with the tales of what you did and how you did it mean nothing if it was only for your own personal good and gain. Until your greatness and success begins to speak of itself without you having to bribe people with free drinks, trinkets, club entry or rides in the new car, keep the bragging to a minimum; your noise is drowning out real people doing real things and make a real difference.