It's Not You, It's Me

I'm 26, and I'm single. I've had two serious relationships and two that were simply those "what the hell was I thinking, yes you're the rebound" relationships. As each relationship or fling ended, I wondered how I had messed up again and managed to find the biggest asshole on earth; I'm a nice girl, sweet, just looking for Mr. Right to come by and give me that "I'm cooking him breakfast" love. I went through the typical ex-bashing rant, told all the girls what a mistake he was, and how I wish I would have seen these flaws sooner. I cried in the shower (over the serious ones), lost my appetite and for a little while, I forgot how to laugh. I would hear his name everywhere; in a show, on the street, a friend had a friend with his name, you know how that goes. After each failure, I would promise myself that the next time would be better and I wouldn't deal with the bullshit and if he started showing assholish ways, then deuces up, I'm gone. So why is it that I and I mean we as women keep attracting the guys that aren't worth a damn and full of so much shit, they need to carry around extra-strength Charmin? That's when I had the epiphany, it wasn't them, it was me!! Something about me kept attracting these guys who didn't give a damn, wanted to use me up, take away my pretty, and throw away my love. As women, sometimes we are so desperate as we grow older to find a real love, that hood love, hold me down, ride or die, never leave me love, that we accept anyone who seems like they have a good game. And it's just that; a game that they have perfected so well that we can't tell until our hearts our already involved. To an extent we can blame him for being a jerk, but we as women need to start accepting our own responsibility for the failure of a relationship. Were we even supposed to be in one with that guy in the first place? Did we like him so much, that we lowered the standards that we had set for ourselves? Did we rush into sex and it was so good that we thought maybe with time he would change and be what you wanted? Did we feel overwhelmed because we were still single and all of our friends were boo'ed up so we attached ourselves to the next man, determined to make him our best man? For me, I realized that I am too nice and I'm willing to give any guy a chance, and when he fucks up, I'm such a sucker for love that I believe he can and will change, he just needs that one girl to show him that this time, it's all different. Somebody please come bitch-slap me please!! As my friend loves to tell me, "Jenni, you can't keep saving strays; sooner or later you're gonna start getting fleas!" I have a weakness for the bad guy, the damaged guy, the one who has been hurt in love, the guy who has a dream, but can't quite wake up to make it reality. I fall in love with the man who's an ass because I feel he's using that to mask a heart that is hurting; nope he's just an ass and has no intentions of changing. I realize now, that I have been so busy trying to save everyone else's heart and rescue them but I have had no one there to rescue me. Sometimes love is such a bitch, but I can't stop loving her and when she sends me a dog, I can't resist bathing him and trying to make him look decent again so he can break his leash and run away and give another girl his rabies. Right now I'm glad that I am single, although I am keeping my options open. It gives me the chance to strengthen my heart, open my eyes to the bullshit, and become stronger when it comes to matters of the heart. I'm tired of kissing frogs, so I'm just taking it easy until my king comes around and makes me his queen. So ladies, before we start blaming the next guy for being a fuckup, make sure we look in the mirror and ask how we allowed ourselves to get in the situation in the first place? What could we have done to prevent this from happening? If that means reinforcing our standards and ideals at the risks of being alone for a little while, so be it; at the end of the day it's better to be alone, than with someone you love but doesn't give two shits about you...